1/18/11 - Uh Oh

Last night I had a horrible time sleeping.  I had weird, painful cramps and I wasn't sure it was just normal cramps or something wrong with my intestines.  Whatever the case may be, I didn't sleep well.

Then, this morning I had this feeling that I was starving.  Absolutely starving.  So I ate some Mini Wheats as I packed up my breakfast and lunch and went about my day getting ready.  But I couldn't shake the feeling that something just didn't feel right.  I was standing in front of the mirror and I felt so tired, and so weak, and so hungry, and so dizzy that I kept having to sit down.  First I went to the couch.  Then I laid in bed.  I eventually convinced myself that I needed to get moving and the fact that I was now running late motivated enough to get me out of the house without thinking about it again.

But then I arrived at work and I felt it again.  This nagging feeling that if I didn't eat something right that very minute that I was going to regret it greatly.  I ate all of my packed cereal in record time and continued to snack throughout the day, always feeling queasy, but never like I was going to throw up.  Just dizzy. And weak.  And all of those other things I mentioned before.  I can't shake this feeling that I need to eat.  It's not a craving for something specific, but rather a craving for food to be in my mouth and in my belly at all times.  Chewing gum does not help, and in fact that extra fluid in my stomach from swallowing all of that saliva made me feel worse.

I can't help but thinking every single time I have an unpleasant symptom - Do people really feel this horrible for weeks?!?!?  Do they really throw up on a daily basis and feel nauseous all day?  And if they do, then why in the world would they put themselves through that again?  I realize that I sound whiny, because - as I've said hundreds of dozens of times - I know that I have it good and that I'm incredibly fortunate to not be feeling worse.  But I don't know what it feels like to feel that horrible and so I only have my worse days to use for comparison to other days. And on these worst days I can't help but wonder why people put themselves through months of this time after time after time.  It's awful!

But I guess I'll find out in 7 months, right?


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