Work - Week 3

I just finished up my third week of being back to work.  Worth noting is that this was my first full week back, since we had prior engagements that I ended up needing to use vacation days for (because after all, EH wasn't due for two full weeks after he was actually born, and I thought I'd still be on maternity leave!)

Things are back to normal, but definitely not any easier.  I can't decide which is harder - leaving EH at day care when he's crying, or leaving him at day care when he's awake and all smiles, looking me in the eye, and sending me all of his love. I think both are equally hard.  The only time I don't feel tremendous amounts of guilt and sadness are when he's sleeping.  Then I can usually leave him without feeling too awful.

I think part of the problem is that I'm still struggling with how little I get to see him.  Less than hour in the morning, and about 15 to 30 minutes of feeding time in the evening.  That's it.  It's not enough for me. 

People told me that it would get easier, leaving him. And I thought maybe it would.  But I no longer believe that.  Maybe it does get easier for some people, but I'm not sure that it will for me.  I'm not talking about shedding tears every time I drop him off, but that weight in the pit of my stomach, that feeling of guilt, like I'm abandoning him.  I don't think that's going to go away. 

And how can I expect it to, really?  When this cute little face is the one I'm leaving behind.

And this smile!

Seriously, can you blame me for feeling so sad about leaving him every day?


Corinne said...

Oh my goodness that smile melts my heart! I can't imagine what it's like having to leave him...I'm sure I would struggle with it as well.

Jenny said...

That smile is so stinkin' adorable!! And no, leaving them doesn't get any easier, at least not for me either. In fact, Delaney is now at that really hard age to leave her, where she cries and screams when I leave (so sad!) But everyone says it lasts only a minute and then she's done. Then, the days she doesn't cry, she makes is harder to leave by giving me the adorable, "bye bye mama." aaahhh...there is no happy medium here. You want to be with your kids to see every adorable little moment. But with Addison, I think it's easier now, b/c I love hearing her talk about her day and everything she did in school! And don't worry, he will start to go to bed later, so you'll get to see him more!!

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