2-25-11 - When It Doesn't Feel Real

I always had the sense that when I became pregnant, I would obsess about it, constantly thinking about baby related things, looking at baby websites, and planning baby registries.  It was certainly that way when planning my wedding - it's all I could think about!

For some reason, this baby thing doesn't feel real yet.  Early on, there wasn't a lot of reason for it to feel real.  The only real evidence that I had was a blue plus sign on a plastic stick.  I said to myself, "After 12 weeks, I think it will feel more real."  It didn't though.  Then I thought, "Once I start buying maternity clothes it will feel real."  Nope, not really. When we had the ultrasound, afterwards I said "That made it feel more real. " And it did, at least for that day, but that's in the past now and that feeling has gone.  Now I say "When I start feeling movement, it will feel more real," and at that point if I'm still in denial there truly might be something wrong with me.

I would not call these thoughts or feelings ambivalence - maybe at one point they were, but not anymore.  I have truly accepted this pregnancy and am excited about it, but what makes it "feel real?"  Why was I annoyed by all of the "What to expect" books?  Why don't I want to browse expectant mother websites or browse through Babies 'R Us?  Right now I pretty much feel fat, not pregnant at all.

I'm thinking all of this right now because as we speak, something weird is going on with my stomach.  I ate too much for lunch and my belly is all puffed out. I actually look pregnant right now, or at least like I've taken a serious break from my regular calorie counting.  I'm pretty sure that the "something weird" is just gas or digesting but then I was like, "Oh! Do you think it could be movement?"  A search on the Google machine tells me that it's too early to be feeling anything, but yeah.... I'm pretty sure that it's going to "feel real" real soon.