Last Day of Maternity Leave

Today is/was my last day of maternity leave, and it makes me tear up every time I think about it.  It's cruel in a way - I think FMLA gives you 12 weeks off of work because it takes that long for a new baby to become manageable.  As soon as that happens, they force you back to work, without any time to really enjoy your baby who is finally on a good schedule, smiling back and you and becoming that little bundle of joy that you were expecting from day one.

It's not so much that I hate the idea of going back to work so much as I hate the idea of leaving EH at daycare for such an incredible chunk of his day.  He's going to spend all but one or two of his waking hours - five days a week - with people other than his family.  And when we do finally get to spend time with him at home, that time also needs to be spent doing all of those household chores that you also can't get done because you're at work all day - laundry, cooking, dishes, vacuuming, etc. 

I wish there was a way to work slightly less hours without sacrificing income.  Of course, that's probably everyone's goal in life - work less, get paid more. 

Even though we pay for daycare by the week regardless of how many days he spends there, I chose not to take him there today.  DH couldn't believe it.  But I wanted one last day at home with him, where he could have all of the attention from me that he wanted. 

Everything that he's learned so far, all of his sleeping and eating habits, all of smiles, have been because of me (or us really, but if we're being honest, most of it was me since I just happened to be the one who has spent the most time with him thus far.)  Soon that will no longer be the case, and more likely than not DH and I won't be around for the a lot of his "first" milestones - first word, first crawl, first step, etc.  Of course we'll still rejoice those "firsts" when we get to see them the first time ourselves, but seriously, what are the odds that we'll be around the very first time considering that hes going to be away from us for nearly 50 hours a week?

I should probably stop thinking about it, but I can't get past the fact that I feel like someone else will be raising EH from now on.  I really really really hope that everything goes well at day care.  I hope that his daily "report card" shows that he's eating and sleeping as well as he has been at home, and I hope that he comes home each day not so exhausted that all he does is cry and scream.  I hope that I can still spend at least a little quality time with him when I get home from work, even though he'll have to go to bed a mere hour after I get home. 

I'm sad. I'm just so sad, every time I think about it.  And I can't stop thinking about it.  So I'm going to stop writing this now, and go spend the next hour or so with my little guy, until he has to go to bed and wake up to his new life.  Which starts tomorrow.

Two Months Young

EH officially turned two months old almost three weeks ago, but I never got around to posting his updated stats!

We were thrilled that he gained enough weight to jump him up to the 22nd percentile!  Who knows what he weighs now, but the doctor felt confident that he was gaining rapidly enough that she thought he would ultimately be a fairly big baby/child.  We'll see about that... after all, that's what my OB doctor said throughout my entire pregnancy and we know that didn't end up being true!

Grading homework with daddy

He only gained a half inch in length (22 inches), taking him down to the 16th percentile in that category, and he grew a centimeter and a half in head circumference, putting him in the 40th percentile there.  So he actually went down in those two percentiles, based on his age, but since the weight was the only one where he was really below average, it was also the only one they really cared about this time. All in all, he's a growing boy.  We already knew that of course.

He turns 3 months only 12 days from now.  It's amazing how time flies. 

Day Care, Days 2 and 3

First of all, allow me to state the obvious - it's snowing!!! What in the world is going on !?!?!  Who would have ever thought that EH's first snowfall would come before his first Halloween???

Now that that's out of the way, the real topic at hand - EH's day care experience, on days 2 and 3.

For days 2 and 3, I took him in the afternoon, to give DH a chance to practice picking him up.  We went around 2:30 p.m. each day and DH pick him up around 4:15.  I went with him both times, but the second time I just observed, and only went mostly because I like to go and observe how things operate there.

Both days went we picked him up he wasn't crying.  That has helped me immensely.  Yesterday someone was even holding him when we arrived to pick him up.  But there were at least 2 other babies screaming and crying that weren't really getting much attention, so it could have just as easily been him.  Yesterday he didn't take a nap at all while he was there - no real surprise to me - so of course he fell asleep on the car ride home, and then woke up soon after he got home and was somewhat fussy for the rest of the evening.  Thursday afternoon they said he had taken a 30 minute or so nap in the swing he was in, which is amazing if it's true because we can't get him to nap in his swing for the life of us, but he did seem considerably less fussy that day compared to Friday so maybe it was true. 

Both days that he spent any amount of time at day care he ended up going to sleep for the night at 6:30 p.m.  Prior to this he was going to bed usually sometime between 7 and 8.  I have a feeling that 6:30 or shortly after is going to be his new bedtime, which will be really sad for me, since I won't get to spend much time with him at all in the evenings once I get home from work, but I know that a well rested baby is important.  It may just mean that I won't start cooking dinner until after he's gone to bed for the night, instead of cooking as soon as I get home.

His night time sleep is something that I can definitely get used to.  Although it's not perfect every night, most nights he is still sleeping 5 to 8 hours straight after we put him to bed.  On Thursday night he slept from 6:30 to 3 a.m. (8.5 hours!!! too bad I couldn't enjoy it - I was in pain and only slept 3 hours that night) and Friday night he slept from 6:30 to 1:30 (7 hours, still amazing).  He goes back to sleep fairly quickly after his middle of the night feedings and usually wakes for the day around 8 or 8:30 a.m.  That routine, of course, will be thrown off once I have to start waking him at 7 a.m. to take him to daycare.  That's going to be hard because I really ingrained the "never wake a baby" mantra into my head (care of the Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby book.) 

So, day care is not going to be perfect.  It's something that both of us are going to have to get used to.  I hope that EH adjusts quickly and well, and that in no time we start getting reports that he's napping for at least 3 hours throughout the course of a day, in his crib, without much crying. 

Wishful thinking?  Perhaps, but it would definitely make me feel better about leaving him all day while I'm at work....

I Might Believe in "Jinxing"

Sometimes it seems as if as soon as I say something "out loud" (by writing it here) that my words come back to bite me in the ass. 

For example, yesterday I wrote about how EH was finally sleeping 5 to 8 hours each night.  That has been going on for nearly a week now.  But tonight, after his bottle at 7 p.m. he woke up at 10 p.m. (only 3 hours later) and then after another full bottle he woke up AGAIN at 2 a.m.!  That's two feedings during time when he would have been sleeping had it been the night before.  Seriously, did I jinx myself? 

On top of that, when I say something like "I have made peace with the fact that I will not be done breastfeeding by the time I go back to work," and I feel good about the fact that I was able to go 5 hours during the day without any horribly painful duct clogs, I wake up tonight after ONLY FOUR HOURS with a clog painful enough for the record books.  Just when I decided that maybe some continued breastfeeding would be ok, if for nothing else other than the savings generated by not having to use formula for a few feedings each day, something like this happens and all I can think over and over and over is "It would be worth EVERY PENNY in formula costs to not have to go through this night after night."


On a only somewhat related note - I think it's time to invest in a white noise machine.  The entire house does not need to wake up just because EH is up for a feeding, but with the way that sound travels in our house, I'm pretty sure DH wakes up every time EH and I do.

So it's been a rough night, can you tell?  Is this what all of my nights are going to look like in the near future?

To end things on a more positive note - even though I am feeling anything but positive right now - I am going to include another picture from the photo session of EH earlier today in his little hooded jacket, since so many people thought those pictures were cute! He was being a total ham when I was taking pictures and it was incredibly adorable.

So, wish me luck in that you don't see too many more of these 3:30 a.m. can't-sleep-because-my-boobs-hurt-too-bad sort of posts. I hate them.

One Week

I only have one week left before I have to go back to work.  Next Monday is my last day off.

I am sad beyond belief.  I do believe that at some point I would be ready to go back to work, but I really wish I could have taken 6 months off instead of just 12 weeks.  He still seems so little, so young, and so new that I really hate the thought of him essentially being raised by strangers while I toil away at work.  It seems so unfair...

Anyway, a lot has changed in the past couple of weeks.

1. I am trying to stop breastfeeding, but it isn't going well. 
Every time I think I've made some progress I get a horribly painful clog.

2. I have accepted the fact that I will not be completely done breastfeeding by the time that I go back to work. 
It took me a week or so to come to the "acceptance" stage but now that I'm there I'm going to focus on doing what I can to make the whole process as smooth and painless for me as possible.  Who knows - maybe I'll find that it's not so bad after all.  And if it IS so bad, I can step up my efforts on trying to stop.

3. EH is starting to be a better sleeper. 
His naps are still really erratic, but we've got him to the point where he goes to bed each night between 7 p.m. and 8 p.m. (we kind of watch for signs that he's getting tired) and once he's asleep he's usually out for anywhere between 5 and 8 hours!!! (On average, it's about 6.5.)  This is major progress.

 He's like a little angel when he sleeps

4. There are good days and there are bad days. 
But it's easier to take the bad days in stride now that item #3 is in place.  Now if only I could get item #1 under control, I might actually be able to get more than 2 or 3 hours of consecutive sleep once I go back to work!!!  It's frustrating that he's able to sleep 8 hours straight some nights but no matter what I still have to wake up or else I risk another clog.  Ugh. Frustrating.

5. We are experimenting with different formulas.
Trying to figure out what works best, as he seems to be pretty prone to spitting up.  But what I do know for sure is that the only way he'll sleep 5 to 8 hours at night is if I give him a bottle of formula at his bedtime feeding.  With breast milk he's up and ready to eat again anywhere between 2.5 and 4 hours.  Needless to say, we have switched to exclusively giving him formula in the evenings.  Which is fine since that will be the case anyway once I am able to stop producing breastmilk.

So, all in all, things are going better.  We're finally getting into a better routine and he's predictable enough now that I'm willing to take brief outings to places such as Target where it's just me and him.  As soon as he's napped for more than an hour, I start getting stuff together to get ready to go out.  Then when he wakes up I feed him, get him in his car seat and we go on our adventure.  He's usually only good for about 45 minutes to an hour unless he falls asleep, but that's usually enough time for us to accomplish whatever I need to do.

It's just to bad that now that we're finally started to get into a groove he's going to have to go to daycare, and I'm going to have to go back to work, and I have a feeling things are going to get all sorts of messed up with the progress that we've made.  Our next transition day of daycare is on Thursday, so I guess I'll have a better sense of how things will go after that.

My Musings on Breastfeeding

Prior to EH's birth I was more or less "meh" on breastfeeding.  I did not feel strongly about it at all.  I had always said that I would "try it," but honestly I didn't feel too confident that it was going to be for me.  However, DH really wanted me to do the breastfeeding thing, and strongly encouraged me to do so.  I agreed to give it a try, with the caveat that if things went poorly I would not be upset or feel like a failure.

Things did go poorly in many respects.  My nipples were destroyed and incredibly sore in those early days and even now, they're not really healed.  Part of the reason for the nipple damage is that it took over 10 days for my milk to come in, and EH wasn't getting enough to eat.  Delayed milk production is something that apparently is fairly common with c-section deliveries, but no one at the hospital ever told me that.  It would have been helpful to know, and probably could have helped to prevent EH's jaundice. 
We met with 2 lactation consultants because of the problems I was having - one at the hospital and one that is part of an independent practice.  Both felt that EH was doing a great job!  He got a "latch score" of 9 (out of 10) from the Magee lactation consultants and the other consultant agreed that he had a great latch, despite the fact that I was still feeling pain.  So even with the delayed milk set back, I trudged on in this whole breast feeding journey.

But then I was diagnosed with that breast infection and infected nipple.  THEN I had that horribly painful clogged duct.  It was back-to-back and I felt like I couldn't get a break.  It was so painful that the pain would keep me awake at night - as if I needed something else to take away the precious little sleep I was able to get.  The pain radiated out into my left arm, shoulder and neck, unless I took large amounts of ibuprofen on a regular basis.  When EH would latch on to feed on that side (the left) it felt like I was being electrocuted at high voltage - it was that painful.  The jolt was so intense I felt it down to my toes.

It wasn't until EH was 5 or 6 weeks old that breastfeeding finally stopped being horrible.  It was at this point that we both started understanding each other better and I finally felt that unique bond that so many nursing mothers talk about.

He did seem to enjoy breastfeeding, and as long as he woke on his own and was ready to eat, he latched on fairly quickly (although not painlessly) and did a great job of filling himself up.  He's took to it so well for awhile there that I thought maybe I could continue to do this for a while.

But then, around 8 weeks or so, he started spitting up like crazy.  He would get fussy while he was eating and tug and pull or chomp down on my nipple in such a way that it made me yelp on multiple occasions.  I started pumping during some feedings to give myself a break from the nipple chomper. I started to develop a theory that EH was spitting up so much because he was overeating.  After conducting a few experiments that involved feeding him and then pumping (to see how much was left) and just pumping, I concluded that he was trying to eat 5 to 6 ounces each feeding, when really the pediatrician told us to limit him to 3 to 4 ounces per feeding.  No wonder he was throwing up massive amounts!!! His little tummy couldn't handle it but he wasn't self moderating at all.

So then I decided to stop breastfeeding him - we were both hurting from it - and pump exclusively so that I could better control his intake.  Since I was getting ready to go back to work anyway I wanted to make sure that I could get myself on a less aggressive schedule anyway.  I pumped 4 times a day (roughly every 6 hours) and was able to provide enough milk for all of his bottles for the day.  I also started giving him a bottle of formula at bedtime instead of breast milk because it seems to keep him fuller longer, and it allowed me to start building up a supply of frozen milk.  Although I absolutely hate pumping, I was relieved  that my boobs only had to work 4 times a day instead of upwards of 8 and I felt good about being able to still provide EH with breast milk. 

But after only a few days of exclusive pumping I developed a horribly painful clogged duct and that's where I'm at right now with this whole breastfeeding thing.  Quite frankly, I am fed up, and ready to be done with both breastfeeding and pumping altogether.  I feel like I've tried everything and really gave it my all but every time I think it's going well, there's a set back that makes me really seriously think about stopping.  This clogged duct might be the final nail in the breastfeeding coffin.  We'll see....

So while I consider myself to be moderately successful at this whole breastfeeding thing (after all, I didn't quit even though I went through what I consider to be close to hell with all of the pain and infections that I experienced in those early weeks) I am certainly no super-star.  I have no intention of providing breast milk for the entire first year of EH's life.

And if someone asked for my opinion, I would hesitate to push a soon-to-be-mother to exclusively breastfeed.  I find it to be exhausting and painful and time-consuming and while I think it's important to try I also would never ever criticize anyone who decides to stop.  Being the sole source of food for your infant - who needs to be fed anywhere between ever 1 and 3 hours in those early days - is incredibly stressful.  You can't get a break.  If your child is hungry you have to feed him no matter how tired or sore you are.  It's exhausting and some days I just felt so tired of breastfeeding. 

Pumping provides some relief - and it certainly had made breast milk production more sustainable for me - but you're still tied to something, whether it be a baby or a machine.  And you're also still very limited - from caffeine to alcohol to dieting to exercise; all of those things still have to be in extreme moderation.  Even after you're done being pregnant, breastfeeding basically imposes those same social restrictions on you and it has made it difficult for me to feel like I'm returning to a somewhat normal life.

I don't know exactly how things will go from here, but I have decided that I am now at peace with however things work out.  I can continue doing this if the clogged duct clears up and doesn't recur too frequently.  Or I can be done with it for good, and I won't have any guilt about that.  I tried hard and I do feel really good about my efforts.  Complications kept knocking me down though and I sometimes it's best to just give in and get on with life.  I know that no matter what I decide DH will support me and EH will still love me, and other than that there's not really much more that I can ask for.

First Day of Day Care

Today was EH's first day of day care.  He was only there for two hours, as part of 3 "transition" visits to help both of us get used to it.  I wish I could say that it went well, but sadly, it did not.

The first sign that it might be a rough day was when he started getting fussy around 9:15 and we were expected at the day care at 10 a.m.  I knew he didn't have enough time to take a proper nap in his crib, so I put him in his car seat and he fell asleep fairly quickly with little crying by 9:30 a.m.  He woke up briefly when I first put him in the car, and then again when we got to the day care.  He was wide awake when I left, smiling at me and looking all around.  It broke my heart to leave my little smiling baby, but I knew it had to be done.

I did a little shopping for an hour or so, and then headed back to pick him.  As soon as I got to the top of the stairs that led down to the infant area, I heard a baby crying and I just knew that it was EH.  Then I thought, "No, that's crazy, there are a dozen babies down there, there's no way that it's him crying."

But of course, it was.  I guess a momma knows her little guy's voice. 

The ladies informed me that he eaten just a short while ago and that they had just changed his diaper.  They thought that's why he was crying.  He was in a swing with music playing, screaming his little head off. When I picked him up he was bright red and totally sweaty from all of that crying.  He was inconsolable and just kept screaming.  They said he was a great eater (which I knew) but that he didn't really sleep (I wasn't surprised - he's such a light sleeper.)  He was still screaming at this point so I put him in his car seat, picked up his empty bottle and quickly headed out. 

He fell asleep again briefly on the car ride home but once we got home he was a nightmare.  He was so overtired that he could fall asleep.  As soon as I could get him to doze off he would wake again with a start and pick up on his screaming right where he left off.  This pattern has been going all afternoon and evening.  I fed him, I've rocked him, I sung to him. He cries.  I walk around with him, I give him his pacifier. He cries. 

It breaks my heart, and has left me walking away feeling less than confident in this day care situation.   There are so many babies, and only three caregivers and it just doesn't seem like he's going to get the amount of attention that he is used to.  I understand that this would be the situation at any day care, not just this one.  It just breaks my heart.  After two months of one-on-one attention with his mommy, he's now one in twelve and gets very little attention.  Other than feeding and diapering it seems like they mostly put the newborns in a swing or bouncer.  I don't blame them for doing that - what else can they do? - but that doesn't mean that I'm not sad when I think about it. 

We have two more "transition" days next week and I am now incredibly nervous for those.  My day today was completely ruined by an overtired crying baby and I would hate for our last few days together to be wasted like today was.  It's just so loud there, with all of those babies, and so bright that it's no wonder to me that EH didn't want to sleep.  He's used to our relatively quiet house, and his bedroom where we turn the lights off and close the blinds when it's naptime.  This change has rocked his world so dramatically that he hasn't had a real nap at all today. "Real" naps are at least an hour long... his longest nap today was 30 minutes and there were only two of those. He usually takes at least 2 one hour naps and then a third nap that lasts anywhere from 2 to 4 hours.  Clearly he is incredibly sleep deprived, and it seems to only be compounding on itself.  I have spent my entire day trying to console an unconsolable baby.  Proof is that I started writing this post at 1 p.m. and it's now 7 p.m.

I knew that this was going to be a challenging transition after being home with him for the last few weeks, but I had no idea just how emotionally and physically difficult it was going to be for the both of us.  I am praying that we can get back on our normal schedule tomorrow and that our two days at day care next week go at least marginally better than this one did.